Boch & Sabes, Act I, Scene I

Setting: a table in the corner at Starbucks

Boch: Nice computer.
Sabes: Pretty cool, huh? I just downloaded The Best of Bachman-Turner Overdrive!
Boch: Yeah? (sips his straight black coffee)
Sabes: Digitally remastered!
Boch: (clears his throat) Well, I made some notes, here.
Sabes: What the hell is that?
Boch: Huh? Uh, you mean this pencil?
Sabes: Yeah. Dig that out of your golf bag, eh?
Boch: (sheepishly) Well, yeah.
Sabes: Fer cryin' out loud, Bru, get some class. You need a laptop. (sips his latté)
Boch: Shucks, Bri, I'm old school. Now if ya could just take a look here. (passes paper)
Sabes: What is this? Old Yahtzee scoresheets? C'mon, man. Get some real paper!
Boch: (doggedly) Well, I'm figurin' Roberts will lead off.
Sabes: Hello! Duh! That why I signed him! (shakes his head disgustedly)
Boch: Yeah, OK. Uh, and Omar can hit second. Bunt, move the runner over, you know.
Sabes: He saves us AT LEAST a hundred runs a year with his glove!
Boch: Now the third spot's kind of a toughie.
Sabes: At least a hundred! AT LEAST!!!! (bangs on table, spills latté)
Boch: Ya got yer drink all over my notes, Bri. Take 'er easy.
Sabes: (angry) You want my job? Huh? Well??? You and that Lunatic Fringe? Huh?
Boch: (chuckling) Now, just take 'er easy. I like bein' manager. My uniform still fits.
Sabes: (mollified) We still got Durham.
Boch: Been meanin' to talk to you 'bout that, Bri.
Sabes: Third. He hits third.
Boch: That don't give the kid much of a chance.
Sabes: Kid? What kid?
Boch: Frandsen.
Sabes: Oh, him. Send him to the Instructional League. Never mind him.
Boch: Now cleanup, I figure we gotta stick with--
Sabes: Bengie. Mr. Clutch. Our MVP! Now that was a move. Take that, Fringers!
Boch: That means the new fella--
Sabes: Rowand.
Boch: Yeah. He hits fifth.
Sabes: Centerfield.
Boch. Yeah. He hits fifth.
Sabes: Centerfield, dammit!
Boch: Uh, yeah, sure Bri, centerfield.
Sabes: Now, I figure he hits behind Bengie. That'll cut into his RBI total, what with Bengie being the RISP-Meister.
Boch: RISP?
Sabes: Runners in Scoring Position! Bru, you have to get up to speed, here. This is modern baseball. We use a LOT more complicated stats than the old days. That's why you need a computer!
Boch: And fer, uh, what'd ya call it? Downloadin' music?
Sabes: (computer beeps) Oh, I got an email!
Boch: Yeah, I like that new feller too, he's a hard-nosed ball player.
Sabes: No more prima donnas, Bru. Soldiers! All soldiers!
Boch: (under his breath) Well, veterans, anyway.
Sabes: Was that a wisecrack?
Boch: Uh, no sir.
Sabes: OK, were done. That was Baer. I have to get to the office.
Boch: (leaps up eagerly) Ya gonna git that thirdbaseman I wanted!
Sabes: (angrily) Keep your pants on, man, this a public place!
Boch: But we need a--
Sabes: I decide what we need! Now you just work on the rest of that lineup, I'll expect it on my desk by the end of the week! And next month we talk about pitching!
Boch: Shoot, I figured Cain, and Link, and Zito--
Sabes: NEXT month, dammit! Finish that lineup!


Fadeout.

Roger, Pete, Barry & M.C.

Charlie Hustle and The Rocket are getting some airplay these days, Roger for his prominent place in the Mitchell Report, and Pete for his never-ending quest to rehabilitate his reputation. M.C. is going to offer his take on these characters: every time I hear them speak my knee-jerk response is always "shut the hell up!" Man, they are clowns. But, you know what? That's cool. I'm not paying jocks for eloquence. (I'll leave that--eloquence, that is--to the bloggers.) I have a sadistic desire to see Roger thrown under the Steroid Bus, because my man BLB got royally screwed by the whole mess, but I learned forgiveness in Catholic school. So, you know something Rog? I'm cool. If you skate, you skate. It'd be nice if Barry got a break, but I'm through hoping for sanity and perspective. And speaking of perspective, Ol' Pete is using the "I ain't as bad as those fellers" defense, a tried-and-true rhetorical device, one I've employed many times myself when defending some point in an argument. Funny thing--he has a point. He may be a low-life and a dumbshit, but he was one hell of a ballplayer. And he should be in the increasingly irrelevant Hall of Lame (Bowie Kuhn? Really? Yeeesh!). As far as MLB goes, he got his punishment, his lifetime ban. And he probably deserved it, but I'm reserving judgment on that after seeing what MLB (and the BBWAA, for that matter) considers "evidence." (A must read: Bill James' Whatever Happened to the Hall of Fame). Anecdotally, it is hard to picture another player in my lifetime who attacked the game with Rose's abandon, and whose will to win bordered on psychotic. Damn, if I had been a Reds fan I would have LOVED Rose. Another Giants fan I knew once said "Bonds is exactly the kind of player I would hate if he played for someone else." Yeah, no kidding. You always hate the guys who kill you (hello, Ron Cey). Betting on your team is a worse sin than PEDs, Pete, sorry. But, I'm willing to cut you some slack because I don't believe you "conspired" to destroy the "integrity of the game." Nor do I believe you were a enough of a high-roller for organized crime to take you seriously, or that what happened "between the lines" was ever realistically threatened. You were just another clueless schmuck. With each passing day, with the silly utterances from Clemens, Inc., Jayson Stark, Gene Wojciechowski, Jim Bunning, Jim Bouton, and the posturing smugness from Curt Schilling, I think you have plenty of company.

Snakes Score

I don't care how many prospects Billy Beane got for Dan Haren, the Snakes came away with one of the best pitchers in the game. This guy is the real deal and this deal changes the balance of power. Brandon Webb and Dan Haren match up to our dynamic duo punch-for-punch, and the experience factor puts them over the top. Hell, Webb has won a Cy and Haren started the '07 All-Star game! Our boys are good, but they've yet to establish that kind of track record. I know it is silly to talk about "balance of power" when we will be lucky to stay out of last place and the Snakes will be defending a title, but we can always dream, no? We will get some dream match-ups in our series against AZ: Webb vs. the Hurra-Cain, Haren vs. the Linkster, etc. Looking forward to that.

Dave gets it right

Dave Zirin's article, The Mitchell Report: Absolving the Owners, is required reading. If you aren't tuned in to Mr. Zirin, you are missing out.

Find him at Edge of Sports. Check out the archives as well.