I got one of those buttons on my DVD/VCR combo player. Gotta take a piss, hit "pause." Gotta refill the whiskey glass, get some more cookies, gotta settle one of those "is that Kevin Bacon again?" arguments, I'm all over the "still" control. What does this have to do with the MMIX Giants? Uh, well, everything. For starters, there's Dave Roberts. We are paying that guy $6.5 million to be a fifth outfielder. We've got a 6'2'', 215-lb. 25-year old who is out of options and he plays outfield. Ol' Boch is excited that he will be our fourth outfielder. Wow, that's building for the future. We've got the slowest man in the major leagues starting at catcher and pencilled in at cleanup (in 11 seasons he has a .415 SLG, the league average is .432). Does his career OPS+ of 88 excite you? We've got the nation's most exciting catching prospect in our system, and we get another goddamn season of Señor Muy Lento. Can you say space-filler? Placeholder? Ol' Boch loves this guy. Expect 140 starts, 550 PAs, and 400 outs. We've got three youngsters competing for the same job. One of them could play third at least as well as Rich Aurilia, Juan Uribe, or even Joe Crede, but we will make him work for a job that's his to lose. Our third baseman is a catcher who has 154 minor-league games at first. And we don't have a first baseman. But we do have Randy Winn, who plays outfield. His lifetime OPS+ is 102. He's locked in at RF for 2009 (at $8.25 million). The MMIX Giants are like a World Cup soccer team--we'll play real hard not to lose but we just don't have the guns to win. They're like the hors d'oeuvres you get at a fancy restaurant--you don't want to fill up and spoil the expensive meal. I'm not going to cover the ultimate placeholders--Barry Zito and Aaron Rowand--because my VCR "still" button defaults to "stop" after five minutes. By the time these clowns are no longer Giants they'll already be replacing Blu-Ray.
The good news? Our division stinks. A ballclub that can scare up 85 wins could go to the playoffs. And I'm excited, damn excited about the season starting. But 2009 is a space-filler unless we can get a stadium-wide chant going:
D-F-A!! D-F-A!! D-F-A!!