Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Coping strategy

I should write a damn book. I mean, you go into any bookstore in the U-S-of-A and you find a wall, a fookin' WALL of books about how to cope. How to deal with meanies, how to be a meanie, how to get well, how to be sick, how to die, how to live, how to eat, love, screw, believe, un-believe, win friends, lose friends, make money, get over money, reach your potential, have a child, be a child, get old, blah-blah-fookin' BLAH.

I'm a Giants fan. If no-rings-since-Moses hasn't taught me how to cope, then I should just let Phillipine jihadists kidnap me so I can have a comparable hardship to learn from. Jose Oquendo? The FloMars? Scott Spezio? Can it get any worse?

Yes, it can. Case in point: Barry Zito. And the guy who hired him, Brian Sabean. To pile doom upon doom, Ol' Sabes zito-ed Aaron Rowand to play CF because he'd pre-zito-ed Dave Roberts to play CF also and that didn't work nearly as well as the actual Zito-ing. Uh, I mean, uh, that, like, we got a lot of guys. And they are old and cost a lot. So, I have to cope.

Here's my coping strategy: anyone NOT named Sandoval, Lewis, Frandsen, Ishikawa, Schierholtz, Guzman, Velez, Bowker, Burriss, Grizzlie, Defender, GreenJacket, or Buster Posey will henceforth be referred to by uniform number. As in "number 33 then batted after Fred Lewis' spectacular awe-inspiring triple and a run was scored."

Now THAT'S cutting edge blogging. I oughta write a fookin' book. Right after number 10 takes some hacks away from Nate.


Bob said...

Where does that leave #18 or for that matter #55? I know, you were only referring to position players.
It's wait-and-see time. Which of the youngsters are going to blossom into stars? Which of the "numbered" players will surprise us by playing well?
I think last year doesn't count. It was the Bonds hangover year. I think the pieces will begin to fit together this year.

M.C. O'Connor said...

I did not list pitchers as we have lots of young 'uns and I'm rootin' fer all of 'em. (M.C. is a young 'un despite having over 100 starts).

The Big Unit gets an exemption because he's, well, the Big Unit.

JC Parsons said...

A big part of my coping mechanism involves elaborate, colorful, and sometimes vulgar diatribes about the "lesser" players. I really don't know if using numbers will have the same impact, but I'll give it a try.

Can I maybe use derogatory pet names instead??

Zo said...

I think Barry Zito has the potential to be much better this year and am rooting for him. There, I've said it. I want to be a Barry Zito fan, I do not want to cringe anymore or turn away in sorrow when he pitches. Reducing your opponents to sub-human stereotypes, such as numbers, is an age old strategy to get the population to believe in war or oppression. I refuse to be a part of it.

M.C. O'Connor said...


When y'all gonna bring some yer OWN corn likker to the party?

I mean, y'all like drinkin' mine, and tellin' me if it's good or it ain't, but I never see y'all with a jug.

Time to pony up!